Finding joy

I love these yellow Toms.  Pure joy.

If nothing else, the last year or so has taught me a lot about looking for (and finding!) joy in the simplest of places and things.  Believe it or not, the happiness was a fair blend between work happiness and personal happiness.  And it's that carefree fun that I tried to hold onto when times were kind of sucky -- which was often.

One of the toughest things about this whole D-experience was a huge feeling of failure -- failure as a person, wife, daughter, friend, etc -- though it sounds pretty dramatic now as I write it.  But that was the way I felt for many months.  I didn't feel like I was worth very much.  I didn't feel like I was holding it together very well, so, one day in September, I had a semi-paranoid conversation with my manager -- the whole point of which was, "Can you tell that I feel like my life is falling apart?"

The answer was a resounding, "NO!"  So on that front I felt really good about myself -- I could still be useful at work.  But it took me almost two months to work up the courage to share this (and to an incredibly kind and supportive manager) because I didn't want to be pitied, babied, or treated differently, even though, heck, someone who is struggling with a major life change can use a little extra support.  I wanted to just continue being Awesome Sarah.

See, at work, people (for awhile) didn't know what was going on, so they treated me the same -- more on this in a minute.  They looked to me for advice and help as they fixed their broken teams or took on personal development goals, and I was able to help them!  I had such a strong sense of agency, such a feeling that I was making a difference in the world.  I think these last n months have helped me crystallize the gifts I have to give to others through my work and has cemented my belief that I want to spend more time coaching and pursue my coaching certification in the fall.

So it was the simple things at work -- dressing up for Formal Friday, meeting new friends in fitness classes, simple team meetings, or facilitating sessions for clients -- that made me happy.  Just a perfect sunset viewed from my west-facing desk was enough, sometimes, to boost a dismal mood.

The sun is out TODAY.  Not tomorrow.

But as much as I loved work and could lean on it during this period, I also learned that work is an easy crutch for me to reach for.  Being "busy" is an easy excuse for not just me, but for you too, I know.  It is through being busy that I got through this experience, but being work-busy will never save me from myself.  So this has also been a chance to spend more time pursuing passions and connecting with others.

I realized that as long as work is there that I won't fully unplug and focus on myself, so I applied for a leave this summer -- thus I will have myself to myself this July, August, and September.  Almost six-and-a-half years at Google will tired a girl out, especially one like me who works hard and travels hard. I added it up -- last year I spent almost three months on the road.  What a fantastic opportunity (and a source of joy, for those of you who know my love of new places!), but also what a challenge if you want to have some sense of balance.

It will be an incredible opportunity to appreciate all of the small moments -- getting up early enough to see the sunrise filter through the neighbor's sycamore, plowing through chapters in my book and writing that elusive, perfect paragraph, and napping in the sun next to Astrix.  I can't wait to get outside every day, whether I walk or run or just garden or sit on my porch, and I can't wait to surprise my mom with a trip home now and again.  It seems so selfish and indulgent when I stop and think about it, but just the excitement of knowing that my time off is coming! keeps me going when things are crazy.

There are always simple things that can get us through tough times.  So I'm really thankful for

• Theo chocolate
• My sweet grey cat who refuses to leave my side
• Classic movies that I can watch over and over (My Fair Lady is playing right now as I write!) 
• Lavender ice cream
• Silly board games
• Cardio kickboxing and learning how to strengthen my roundhouse 
• My new cable knit and fleece blanket -- I needed you in December!
• Favorite childrens' books
• Learning how to use my new camera
• Hugs from anyone who will give them
• Bubble baths
• Finally mastering the Chopin piece that has been plaguing me
• And, always, laughter

It's not that I didn't know how to find the joy in things before -- but it seems like for some amount of time I just plain forgot.  I guess that is one of the things I am most happy to have back.

Hope you have a small joy in your life today...

xo

Sarah