"I don't know."

When I saw President Clinton speak last November, there were two things that really stuck with me -- and it was his admission that several times a day, he tries to say, "I don't know." Can you imagine the pressure of "knowing" that is put on a former president of the most powerful country in the world? Yet it sounds like it has worked so well for him.

There are different ways to say it, I suppose. Yes, I know a lot of things, and there are times in life when I feel strong and powerful and have confidence in what I know, but, at least lately, I feel like I need to let go (and EXHALE) and realize that I have no freakin' clue.

It has been a stressful few months and I am left not knowing what will happen. My grandpa had a stroke last week, and though he has been recovering in the hospital, he needs to move to a care center before he can move back into his apartment. I don't know how to help. I don't know that there is anything I can do. And I don't even know if he'll get any better.

My dad is having some serious vision problems and seems to have lost most of his sight in one of his eyes. He's been to three doctors now and looked into a variety of treatments, but so far with little luck. He and my mom are overly chipper about the whole thing and I don't know how I feel about that. After I talk to them on the phone, I just hang up and cry. I don't know how to deal with even the idea that they're getting old.

My body is taking on a lot of my mental stress and letting it manifest physically, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm trying to take care of it through medicine, massage, and exercise (plus BREATHING, really really breathing) but I don't know that it's working. Isn't it funny how it is easy to put so much trust in healthcare professionals when you realize, heck, the body is complicated and most things are just an educated guess? They don't necessarily know either!

And I don't know how to slog through the rest of this degree while working without pulling all of my hair out. I'm so engaged at work right now and so engaged with my project (did I mention the high I get from coaching?!) but the thought of writing the paper and the oral exam? I don't know how to deal with it.

So, moral of this story is that I'm in the land of I don't know right now, but just saying it makes me feel a whole lot better. It's also good to remember that I've been on this trip before (sometimes even farther into this mythical land) but I always end up back in a good place again.

And there's this wonderful thing about "I don't know" that I have to keep in mind -- every so often, it gives someone else the chance to share what they know, which is a good reminder that I'm not alone.

xoxo

Sarah