What's your WORD?

[Yes, I've horribly neglected this blog, but I have nothing good to add to either of my books tonight and I feel like writing, so...]

Over a lovely wine flight and a platter of cheeses on Friday night, Sally, who sat across the table from me, smiled and asked, "What's your word for the year?"

"My word?" I responded. "What do you mean?"

"What word sums up your intent for the year? Your hopes? Where you want to be?"

I had to think about it for a minute, but just a minute because it came to me quickly.

"Exhale," I said. "It's definitely 'exhale.'"

2011 was both a wonderful year and a tough year -- to say the least, it was full of change. And with change comes joy, loss, and everything in between. Sometimes I feel like I am holding on to life too tightly and that if I let go, everything will fly apart. It's like the chest pain that has been plaguing me for awhile now. The good news? It's not cardiac, or at least they don't think so -- and this big ol' heart of mine keeps ticking away, which is awesome. But they don't know what it is.

My massage therapist offered a theory when I told her a few weeks ago. For years she has been telling me that I hold tension in my body, which, damn it all, is very true. I am one big ball of stress and if it weren't for her awesomeness (and 90-minute massages every month), who knows where I'd be! But I digress. "Do you breathe?" she asked me.

"Well, obviously."

"No, I mean really breathe. Do you take deep breaths from the belly, let the air fill your lungs, and then purposefully exhale?"

Long pause. "Not so much."

And she thinks this is one of the sources of my tension, which is probably a side effect of working too much, studying too much, cleaning too much, and generally overscheduling my life. Yes, it's great to be an achiever, but I haven't yet mastered turning it off. Seems like a good problem to have, yes?

No, it's not.

So that is my intent for 2012, albeit it an intent stated 5 weeks later than I like to state these sorts of year-long goals (the other big goals are also health related, not surprisingly). My intent this year is to exhale, to relax, and to let go, and to really enjoy life instead of just rushing through it (and rushing through to where, exactly?!). I hope that in eleven months I'll be free from pain, both chest and otherwise, and calmer and kinder.

I just need to stop and let it go.

xoxo

Sarah

P.S. Okay, so maybe I'm back on this blog again... hard to say when I am writing three... plus two books... plus a thesis... Jesus, what is wrong with me?!?